The “T” word

Trust is hard to build, easy to ruin, and absolutely essential to any healthy intimate relationship. For our relationships to have staying power we have to be able to use the “T” word when describing how we feel about our partners. The very word trust can be interpreted in various ways by different people, and it’s often one of those things that you aren’t able to describe until you have felt it. It even effects our sex lives, if we don’t trust our partner it is safe to say that our sex life has suffered as a result, but we will get into that juicy stuff after we discuss the basics.

We absolutely know within ourselves if we trust our partners and we certainly know within ourselves when we don’t. When we don’t trust our partners or spouses there is a constant feeling of uneasiness, stress, and turbulence. Trust is that feeling that we get of emotional, physical, and psychological security generated when a person is consistent with their behaviors. When their words they say match with their actions.

Trust is not about only loving someone when they look their best or are on their best behaviors. Trust is built on being vunerable enough to let your partner see you and witness you at your worst condition. Sick with the flue and vomiting like you are possessed, ugly crying with snot pouring from your nose, eyes swollen, or having a “slight” temper tantrum because you are hungry. You know all those things that in general we don’t like to show people because we know we are not at our best in these moments. Trust is knowing that they will still be there after witnessing the disaster that you were in that moment and vice versa.

The flip side of this is that trust is also a very scary and delicate thing. We all come into relationships with our own previous histories, including those where our trust may have been broken in the past. ( Thanks to all the exes out there and dysfunctional families. ) However the good news is even with all that may have occurred prior, it is still possible to have the “T” word in our relationships. We have to heal ourselves and allow our partners or spouses to heal themselves. We have to give it to God because we have no control in the situation. For all the control freaks out there… breathe, it’s going to be ok. repeat after me…I can not control my spouse or partner. Say it as many times as you need to and soon you will discover that there is a freedom in this.

Trust is the foundation for so many aspects of a solid relationship and putting in the time to create that bond will result in us feeling happier, more secure and even sexier . We all want to feel calm, comfortable and desired in our relationship. Not just when we are cuddling on the couch binge watching our favorite TV shows, but in general. We want to be able to trust our spouses that they will stay loyal to us in every way. Not just when we are present. We want to feel as though our loved ones are who they say they are, are doing what they say they are doing, and that we can show our true selves to them because it is safe to do so. And no matter who says what about them you know that you can trust them regardless. It is both sexy and peaceful at the same time.

You know what doesn’t cultivate peace and feeling sexy? Feeling like we have to monitor everything our partner is doing, or anxiously wondering what they are up to when we are not together. Are they really at work or are they cheating? Are they really online browsing camping equipment or are they browsing a dating app or porn site? They aren’t having sex with us so they must be having sex with someone else…the list goes on and it eats away at the relationship and your own sanity. You may feel as if your spouse or partner doesn’t know you are feeling this way but trust me…they can feel it. And again vice versa.

When we have trust there is none of the smothering and none of the accusations. It is a freedom we give first to ourselves and then to our spouses or partners. Remember that you gave it to God and he has your back. When we trust, it gives us room to do our own things. Just because we are in a relationship does not mean that we will want to always do the same thing as our partners do on the weekends or have the same after work routines. Trusting in each other gives us and our partners a chance to do things separately and know that it will be all good when we do see each other next. It gives a a chance to show each other our best selves. You can tell each other and show each other your individual accomplishments that you did while apart, this is both cute and sexy. Because you love each other and the trust is there you can allow the feeling of being proud of them.

Trusting our partners means that we allow them space to be themselves and vice versa. This means that we give each other space to feel what they feel, think what they think, and make decisions about what they do, without constantly scrutinizing, judging, and questioning each other. It allows us to be our authentic selves with each other. When we reveal our true selves to someone, we can put ourselves out there and allow our partners to see our weird snacking habits or our deepest fears, even our sexual fantasies and so on.

Is it easy to do NO, but is it worth it? YES. When we are our authentic selves, our partner gets to be their authentic selves, and as a result we get to connect authentically. There is nothing more cool and sexy then when two weirdos can be free to be themselves in every aspect of their relationship.

R_E_S_P_E_C_T sounds like a no brainer but it gets taken for granted all too often. Belittling each other, criticising each other and screaming at each other erodes trust faster then you can say the word trust. It doesn’t feel safe or good to be constantly criticized, judged or belittled. In a nut shell we should be able to like each others differences because that is what makes us who we are.

” There is a kind of beauty in imperfection. You’r flaws are perfect for the heart that is meant to love you. You were born to be real not to be perfect.”

– Elon Musk

We have to be able to admit when we are wrong. I know…I know… this is a hard pill to swallow, but the truth of the matter is none of us are perfect and all of us are going to have to apologize at one time or another to our partners. A sincere apology allows us to let our partners or spouses know that we are not proud of what we did and we will not be repeating the behavior. It is also the first step to self improvement. If you view saying sorry as being weak and you refrain from doing so, your relationship will become weak.

We all have a part in how honest our partners are with us and they have a part in how honest we are with them. If there are topics that we have big emotional responses to and we judge and criticize each other for these topics at some point we will stop talking to each other about these things. Let’s say for example we like to have a beer after work, but every time we crack open a cold one here comes our partner with judgment in their eyes and criticism on their lips. There will come a time where resentment kicks in and maybe you tried to have a conversation about it but things got out of hand and you know that there is no sense in even talking about it anymore. So you start to stop by bars after work to drink your cold brew in peace without discussing it with your partner. And so the secrets start and the distrust is then fueled.

Trust in our relationships is key to its very growth. Let us imagine for a second what it would fell like having a life without trust. You want to share a secret with your spouse but you know they will tell everyone so you don’t go to your spouse or partner, you go to someone else instead. Your spouse is at work and you drive by 10 times a day just to be sure they are actually at said work , at said time. Your spouse is texting and you are certain they are lying about who they are texting and what exactly they are texting about so you go through your spouses phone hands shaking in anticipation scrolling through every social media platform they have, going through their Google history and so on. Every minute of your life becomes chaos if there is no trust. Then you start to loose your mind and hair and you start to have wrinkles. I know it sounds a little dramatic but stress causes these things and what is more stressful then living a life full of distrust? I myself simply won’t do it to myself or to my spouse.

While sex isn’t everything in our relationships, it is important. Because trust and sex are linked if we don’t trust our partner or spouses it can be hard to allow yourselves to be vulnerable to have sex. If your partner always has something negative to say about everything and everyone, it is a safe assumption that you wont feel free to talk to them about things such as sexual fantasies for fear of the judgement or criticism. If we feel as though our spouses talk more then they actually listen to what we have to say then, it is safe to say that we wont bother to open up sexually because we feel unheard. If our spouses or partners are constantly scrolling through social media looking for half naked men or women and porn sites then again it is safe to say that we won’t feel seen or even desired so why would we open up sexually?

When the “T” word exists in our relationships everyone feels more secure about disclosing intimate feelings and they know that they will not be ridiculed, judged or cause the relationship harm. This is where honesty comes in, honesty isn’t about just not lying. Honesty is being clear about your expectations, needs, and desires in the relationship. It’s about saying whats on our minds and in our hearts. Honesty is about doing exactly what you say you are doing and not with holding anything. Trust isn’t about simply being able to rely on someone. All dogs come home when they get hungry.

On a deeper level trust is a nuanced ability to be able to be totally present with someone. When we have a deep level of trust with someone, we are able to bring all of ourselves to the table. You can open up about your beliefs even about weird stuff and how you like to eat Nutella from the jar with no spoon, just your fingers. Trust allows us to be at ease with our partners and there’s a different level of relaxation that also adds to the pleasure and enjoyment during sex. There is something very sexy and beautiful about knowing that they are all your’s, you do not share them with anyone else in a sexual manner. It opens you up to enjoy them more and to give and recieve more pleasure.

When we can trust our partners or spouses then they are not only our partners or spouse they are our best friends. We can open ourselves up to explore sexually and do things with each other that may even seem a bit risky, without fear of the judgement or critisizm. There can be fun to be had in the bedroom. Imagine what kind of intimacy there could be if both people felt safe, trusted and heard. Imagine the exploring you could do if you could both feel as if you wouldn’t be judged or criticised. Imagine how awesome it would be if you knew how attracted your partner was to you and you to them and you could trust in the fact that you could do as you wish to them without the fear of getting an STD. Even condoms don’t protect us from everything so the trust and intimacy levels go up when both partners are secure in this.

The “T” word doesn’t get placed on only our partners shoulders. We have to trust in ourselves as well. We have to trust that given the opportunity to cheat, we ourselves will remain faithful. Not just to be faithfull for the sake of saying you were faithfull , but to actually actively want to be faithful to our spouses or partners. There is a difference. We have to be able to trust that we ourselves will make good choices when we are alone, if they were to find out what we were doing in that moment they would not be hurt or sad by the choices that we make. Are we ourselves being loyal through thick and thin and having our partners backs? We have to be aware of how we respond to them. Are we making them feel loved and appreciated? Are we making them feel heard and allowing them to have their own sense of freedoms?

In the end the “T” word as fragile as it can be is also our strongest tool in our relationships. If we can trust in ourselves, let go and let God, trust in our partners and spouses then we can navigate our relationships in a healthy way spiritually, mentally, and even sexually.

” A relationship with no trust is like a car without gas, You can stay in it but it won’t go anywhere.”

– Unknown

12 comments

  1. Your diving deeper and deeper AKA. This particular post is fascinating due to the fact that my partner and myself are currently in a state of distrust in our relationship. Porn is an addiction that can ruin a good relationship. It is a form of cheating that we are brainwashed into believing is ok. Thank you for this post. It’s deeply appreciated.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. You cutt me deep ๐Ÿ”ช๐Ÿ”ช๐Ÿ”ชโ˜ ๏ธ and yet you are 100 percent right. Lack of trust is what destroyed my relationship with my ex. I couldn’t trust them to go to the mailbox without cheating in one form or another . Iam currently with someone who treats me like the precious gem I am.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. It’s impossible to trust others if you can’t trust yourself. All dogs come home when they are hungry ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿคฃ๐Ÿ˜‚ how accurate. My favorite post from you. Yes ma’am I agree with this one.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. We wait and wait for a post from you and you deliver every time AKA. you are a entire mood. Self reflection, factual, not pointing fingers to place blame and you seem so chill.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. My last comment for today ๐Ÿ˜ I forgot to ask in my other comments. Can you write a post on doing shadow work or possibly a post on the way social media effects us in our relationships? Thanks AKA.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I missed these post’s I don’t know how but I just got the alert today AKA. This is a very deep topic and you covered in it with grace and a sense of understanding. Keep up the great work and anyone who can’t handle providing the basics such as trust , straight up trash stay grounded in yourself , and stay beautiful

    Like

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